The First Assassination of Caesar Fiveash
Fiveash, Fiveashis, m., "The One and Only Doc Fiveash, a.k.a. Dr. Michael M. Fiveash, Magister Adulescentum Lingua Latina, Rex Bestiarum, Fortis Tamquam Bos, Senex Magnus, Crudelissimus, Saevissimus, Iniustissimus, Sed Noster Amicus Equidem."
Fiveashus, -a, -um "Doc-Fiveash-like"
Fiveasho, -are, -avi, -atus "to be like Doc Fiveash"
Fiveashesco, -ere, -evi, -etus "to grow like Doc Fiveash"
Fiveash on an annoying girl in his 4th grade class: So I'll be standing at the road wearing a sign, "will conjugate for money". And she will throw me money and yell "why don't you go decline yourself!" But then I'll say, "but I'm imperfect..."
Class: Stop... stop...
The most wonderful thing in the world... is just hearing the words, "Dad, Dad!"
Have you ever noticed the color of children's hair? In the sun? It's so beautiful.
My children are the best thing I have ever done, except maybe repainting my classroom.
Don't listen to my hippy communist rants.
If a 3 year old kicks you in the ankle, just flatten him!
Please excuse me while I go drink a few beers in the parking lot.
[On a picture of Homer]: I used to have a beard like that in college, but then I sold it to India.
I do have some sympathy for you all, despite the fact that I hate all young people.
Death, my new motivational tool. Excellent.
I thumped his sorry ass!
I am gonna spank you with a large stick.
[On Herc]: He shot her with bow and arrow by mistake... happens all the time! It was under the bed and it just went off!
Fiveash... Doc Fiveash... Oooh, Goldfinger! You're not getting away! Conjugate that verb!
I shot Woodsey Owl by mistake last summer. I'm really embarrassed. I stuffed Smokey the Bear, too, but it was hard cuz he was so big.
I took AP Spears for two years... I went to Javelin Club!
If you don't knock yourself out, I'll knock you out!
[To Sevan]: EH?!?! WHAT?!?!... [muttering] punk.
And it's very confusing, but I think we can resolve the confusion by hitting Jong as many times as possible.
There are three basic necessities: eating meat, impregnating women, and killing enemies in battle.
The army was well supplied with food, weapons, condoms and comic books.
The Roman army was also followed by a giant army of prostitutes.
The gods admired mortals' testicular fortitude.
Anger is like something you can throw.
Cuius handgun? Oh it must be my homeroom's.
You stick the knife between the ribs then slice and dice.
Its like getting the training wheels off, or like getting live ammunition.
This sword was forged by elves in the depths of CVS.
Do I have an ax to attack you with?
I claim not to have lit your cat on fire.
I try to teach you stuff, and you try not to learn it. Whoever is the dumbest at the end wins.
I say stupid things all the time.
Oh, I don't give a tuft of lint!
This tie makes me feel one with the cosmic all... or is it all with the cosmic one? I can never tell.
I found an analogy while watching Sunday's Simpsons.
[On Cena Trimalchionis]: It's better than dogs knocking boiling oil all over you.
[On getting Latin dictionaries]: ...like which bookstores have the laxest security, and helpful stuff like that.
There's nothing I do better than teaching kids. Whoa! You must be thinking, "Poor Guy!"
Sometimes when you're teaching Greek, it looks like physics when you're done, with all the scribbles and everything... except without the arrows and the little men lifting weights.
It will be all Odyssey. All Odyssey, all the time.
Let's blame it on right-wing conservatives. Nah, let's not blame it on right-wing conservatives. Let's blame it on... left-wing secular humanists!
[On the lack of school on Veteran's Day]: I'm gonna push the envelop by sleeping to 7:30. Call me an Epicurean!
Let's get on the road o' indirect questions, the road that leads to bliss-- Ataraxia!
It's the only thing the Epicureans didn't know-- that grammar is the only road to happiness.
Jong: Enclitic particle!
Doc: Did you just say enclitic?! I know we're in the nineties, but shame on you!
[While reading Latin]: Quor'operum... Sounds like a drunken Latin teacher... Quor'operum.
[On De Rerum Natura]: I can't understand how things can move faster than light, especially on a Friday, when nothing moves faster than cold molasses.
Let's do what all teachers do when they're confused... move on to something else.
Superficiality, thy name is American Public Education.
We are more than our genitalia.
The hills are alive with the sound of mythology. It's unbelievable.
Someone who uses the perfect subjunctive correctly, you know they know what they're doing.
Tidal wave of bullshit... really sounds like our department meetings.
I know we didn't go over those two lines very well but I need to talk about sex.
No sex today, O well.
Let's talk about sex.
Today we get to talk about sex. For once it's part of a convalescent plan and not a digression.
I hope we can talk about sex today... Then I can realize my dream of being fired from LHS and have time for my plans for world domination with my dwarf assistant and army of killer baboons.
Gilgamesh is like, "Hey, what is there besides killin and screwin? I'm the wolf... you're the lambchop."
If I turn Saddam Hussein into a bullfrog, that's ok... but if I did that to a sophomore, that would be witchcraft.
In English you can't rearrange words the way you want unless you are Yoda.
I teach dead people.
Saddle up, lock and load, lets go.
Lose your sophomoritude and become real human beings.
When you teach freshman you need a whip, chair, taser and cattle prod.
You guys work on your fill-ins, I'll eavesdrop on the class next door.
Quem, quam, SHIT! [smartboard froze]
Believe it or not, Latin is not all about what kind of underwear Nero wore.
The letters "AP" around this school are holy.
Herc's second task was the worst of all, attending a foreign language department meeting... he didn't survive.
I'm best at teaching... that's pretty pathetic.
[On students talking in class]: Excuse me, a quick interruption, SHUT UP.
Grammar is something teenagers think about 24/7.
Curriculum means to run around, kind of depressing that it's circular.
The smartboard has gone dark, and so has my soul.
I would give you half my salary, but I bought a bag of chips this morning.
The administrators talk about teaching like thirteen-year-old boys talk about sex. They have all these theories but they haven't actually done it.
[in talk-show host voice]: The ooooone and only! The looooovely Devil! Straaaaaaaight from Hell!
Hey, he's just a minor devil. Live and let live, ya know?
There are two ways to avoid death... mythologically-- this isn't like a counselor seminar or something.
If true piety doesn't take too long, we can cut over to true evil, hehehe!
And so it came to pass that men began to multiply... and do long division, too.
You really could just be animated corpses.
We're having a human sacrifice next week. Can I get some volunteers?
I am a real girlie man.
...all except my grandmother, who rides a motorcycle and carries a gun.
[On "Amicas emite" in Mostellaria]: Buy a girl! Buy two! They're small! Collect the whole set! Trade 'em with your friends! No assembly required!
But I'm just a helpless girl! [with limp wrists] And I can't do anything about it.
No, no, no!!! I wanna be Kissy-Face. It's fun to be a lady.
I left my raincoat in the girls' locker room. I gotta go get it.
An essay is like a woman's skirt, it should be long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting.
And I'm going to get tattooed tomorrow. I'm gonna be a macho girlie man. Something across my bulging biceps... Born to... do synopses!
I am such a wicked girlie man. I am such a wimp!
[On a particular folktale]
Doc: So she had what in Latin would be called "Vagina Dentata"... and "Dentata" means...
Class: Toothed!
Phil: Are they sharp teeth or dull teeth? It determines how much pain there is!!!
I'm afraid that in these stories, the "Vagina Dentata" might chomp off Freddie the Fireman.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Who cares about a woman's "ratio"? In the first place, she doesn't have that much of it and what is she going to do with it? Figure out a better way to bake brownies???
[On pronouns]: If she washes myself... wait what?
[On pronouns]: The girl to whom I gave the rose got a restraining order on me.
[On implied objects]: I like her, her being an implied female being.
I thought Paris Hilton was French.
Alright class, what gender is the word "woman"?
She is of the feminine persuasion.
Free range women? Now that sounds scary.
He is my age-- he is anshient.
You can't find good pig guts any more, they used to serve it in D house.
[On iron ingots as presents]: I used to get them all the time.
So you go in Ye Oldey Shoppey... to spend some Ye Oldey Money... and get Ye Oldey Crap... or as we like to call it, Ye Olde Crappey.
[On music]: We used to call it Heavy Stone. You had to be there.
Who knows what kids these days are snapping.
Doc: I must be getting old.
Stacia: That must be it.
Doc: You agree too readily, child. The idea of trashing yourself is in hoping that someone will contradict you.
Stacia: Oh, no, Mr. Fiveash, you're not getting old!
["genibus petebat..."]: I'd demonstrate, but you'd have to get the nurse to get me up again.
It helps if your eyes are really messed up like mine.
You know, I was in one of those action movies... "Herbivore!" the story of a vicious vegetarian who rampages the Earth.
That's like soooo three years ago. And I'm like soooo seventy-five years ago.
Why didn't I go to pet grooming school? I would be so much richer.
You're in denial, which is more than a river in Egypt.
This truck is like an ox.
I am a Bear of Very Little Brain.
It's a lot of fun drinking out of the toilet.
It has a fake future in it... exciting!
If I wuz youse I'd learn to youse the subjunctive.
I used to have erotic dreams about waffles.
He's not the only oyster on the shore.
[Emulating a tombstone inscription]: I have spoken, now you have to leave.
[Feigning death]: Here lies Fiveash... and he wielded a mean red pen.
Mmm... mmm... mmm... Nothing like roasted tailor.
Latin is quite a big thing in Commieland... oop, I mean Russia.
I'm surprised I got your attention there! I'm almost always confused!
[On the name Porcellus]: Micropig-- I like that! Sounds like an Internet startup company... searches through your troughs for compost.
When did they put a C in CAT?!?!?! It's supposed to be a K!!!
See, I'm superstition... [Towering over Jenny] Aren't you afraid?
I just have to terrorize Jenny... Now I'm towering over you! I'm superstitioning you! I'm minare-ing you!
Communists are Hydra-headed monsters... You strike down one and two spring up in its place.
What Communist countries are left? Cuba, China,... Oh! Cambridge! You know Harvard Square...
There are too many discos in Moscow. There's a disco gap. We gotta build more discos!
Not use definite article any more. Cave man no like definite article. Use only present tense... no subjunctive for cave man... hmm...
For me, the sicker and more inappropriate something is, the funnier it is.
I'm a gross and inappropriate person, I gotta say.
You mean you saw it on television?!?! Then it must be true!
He is as dumb as a bag of hammers.
I'm giving the 3-minute warning. It's like the 2-minute warning only slightly longer.
He runs more swiftly than an elephant.
I may be lying, I hope I'm not, but maybe I am...
[On the latin translation of "trick or treat"]: Treachery or sexual pleasure?
[On basketball]: This chubby white guy will take them to the cleaners.
It's kind of funny when you see 1 person appear 2 times between 4 generations in a family tree.
I'm going to say this so many times you'll want to kill me, hell you probably already do!
[On a picture of herc]: That's either a tumor or some good calf muscles.
[On fat people]: Their bellies proceeded them by 5 feet.
Here are the four principal parts, and here's a tuba!
Exponential head growth, I hate that!
It has very odd principal parts, though I'm not one to talk.
Eurystheus is going to bet baaad swine flu!
Excuses are like belly buttons in that everyone has at least one.
To be or not to be, that's an infinitive!
Texting is bringing down western civilization.
Gravity... good Lord this might be important!
This pen has a moral obligation to hit the floor when I drop it.
Comments, complaints, howls of outrage? Too bad. Dixi. Abi.
If you have other inappropriate Fiveash sayings to add, please send them to me, Yuen-Jong Liu (hercules@post.harvard.edu).
I took Latin II, III, and IV and Mythology with This Old Fiveash™ in 1997-2000.
I was notorious for defacing the bestial logos on our grammar tests and for maintaining a Finis Mundi countdown to the year 2000.
I also led two assassinations on Caesar Fiveash for his tyranny.
In retaliation, This Old Fiveash™ sent two serpents to devour me in my sleep, but I strangled them instead.
These are my Res Gestae.
Quotations in this color were contributed by Alex Yared in 2011.